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I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
A lot of talk from the peasants lately about my arrogance.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I think Facebook now comes under the housework category.