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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
( )( ) =( `-` )= <( . )> ("`)("`) bunny!!
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.