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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Never trust a skinny chef
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
I think I like mornings best when they start in the afternoon.
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
I`m not feeling myself today..... Perhaps I should feel someone else.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."