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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
No matter how busy a guy is, he can always take out a moment from his busy life to just stop and stare at a beautiful girl.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
I’ve thought about running away as an adult way more than I did as a child.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.