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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
My house has really let itself go.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.