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If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
One of us spends too much time on Facebook.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
There is a 3-for-2 sale in my local shoe shop. I almost bought myself a new pair of shoes, but couldn`t decide whether to get an extra left or a right one as part of the offer....
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?