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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I`m never free but I`m available.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.