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I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
I can`t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Today is opposite day. Wait...if today is opposite day and I say that it is opposite day that means today isn`t opposite day. If it isn`t opposite day then how cAn I say today is opposite dAy? I`m so confused -.-
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.