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Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ????? (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.
"Dont make me regret this!" is something I say to myself every time I accept a facebook friendship from a relative.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
My doctor is getting really tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.