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Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
Who cares, WTF, OMG, so inappropriate, HOLY HELL ! Good LORD, not another selfie...WHOA NELLIE, NO, NO, and HELL NO!!! Me before unfriending someone.
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?