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"Ramen." - Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.
I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
You know you are desperate for an answer when you look at the second page of Google.
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.