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I just ended a long-term relationship today ... I’m ok though, it wasn’t mine.
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
I`m surprised more killers haven`t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
If I throw a stick will you leave?
It would be cool if you heard a thunder bug a few seconds after you saw a lightning bug.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
I just blew all my party money on bills again
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.