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If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
Reverse Psychology: DO not STALK MY FB PAGE. YOU ARE not OBSESSED WITH ME...
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.