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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
PLEASE - put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who has been eaten by dragons. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and, in case you didn`t know, they can also breathe fire. 93% of people won`t copy and paste this, because they have already been eaten by dragons. 6% of people are sitting in the shower armed with fire extinguishers and the remaining 1% are awesome and will re-post.
It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that`s over with.
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other
Hawaii is a great place to live if you hate being eligible for contests.
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
You must be a parking ticket or something for the word FINE is written all over you.