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People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
if money grew of trees, girls would be dating monkeys
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
Safe words are for quitters.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.