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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
The only thing I love more than cake is cakes.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
I dream about naps.
Jingle bells johnny smells, amelia ruled the show, frankies okay, marcus is gay, little mix all the way.. HAY !!!
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF