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Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
is pretty sure there´s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking...And I plan on finding out what that is.
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
Who’s that sexy beast…………..oh I clicked on my own profile again. ;)
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.