Daily Silly Status

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.

"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse

If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?

I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.

If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.

Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!

The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."

"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.

I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.

Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.

Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.

You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )

Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.

I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!