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I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.