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Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
To stupidity ... And beyond!!
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
I know two wrongs don`t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I`m like on 756.
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
I don`t care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special!
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can`t post anything on the internet or they`ll know I`m ignoring them.
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.