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It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced [hah hah fuhk yoo]!!
Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."
I hate fake people...especially the ones at the mall advertising clothes in front of the stores