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When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
"You`re better than that" is almost never true
Music that is meant to be played at a reasonable volume is completely pointless.
wishes life would hand me lemons especially today.. that way I`d have something to throw at the people that are pissing me off
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it....
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
Sometimes I think hip hop music gets a bad rap.
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!