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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
I don`t post a lot of personal statuses - but when I do it`s all about you ..
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing