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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.