Daily Silly Status

In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.

I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.

Didn`t ya`ll know awkward moments existed before? Damn, its like the Yolocaust all over again...

I am going to write a book about A.D.D., because .. I love fishing. -LOL

My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.

I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.

Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.

Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.

I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.

I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.

Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.

Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.

Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.

Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.

I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m