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10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.