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My Memory.....The Second shortest thing I have.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
The worst thing about rich people is I`m not one of them.
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
No Shirt No Shoes No Service. What about pants?
I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.