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The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
To hell with the "dislike" button! i think we need a "who cares" button, a "WTF" button and a "STFU!" button. just saying.... Oh and a "lol" button because i just get tired of writing it! lol!
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".