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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
I’m bored enough to clean.
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.