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Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
My tricks aren`t for kids.
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
I liked your facebook update, only so I can unlike it.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
Life is like a teenager`s p@nis. some are short, some are long, but it is always hard.
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..