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So many rules; so little time to break them.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Selfie... Because it`s important to realize that it`s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
Dont freeze your Common sense in the process of being COOL.
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.