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Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
I`ve noticed that the squirrels are gathering nuts for the winter. Couple of my friends are missing...
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.