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The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
Nothing improves creativity like a lack of supervision!
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
Like a good neighbor, stay over there
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
Went to Walmart yesterday and bought me a new toilet brush, I think I am gonna go back to using paper, it is much more gentle on the netherlands........
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.