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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
Facebook: Making stalking people much more convenient since 2004.
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
Admit it, we all have that special someone we`d visit if given a tank to drive for a day