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If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
I`ve been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We`ll all be dead soon anyway.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!