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I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.
The wet spot in my bed is tears
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.