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My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape