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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Testing.. Testing.. This is a test. If this were an actual ploy for attention.. I would`ve said "bacon" or "boobies."
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.