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ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
Do you suppose prison guards could use `PROACTIV` to prevent outbreaks?
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted