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Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Monday comes saturday ends and somewhere in between i realized i slept the weekend away....):
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?