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I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
If you`ve had cats, the singles virus may already be inside you.
I don`t care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special!
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
There are sick days, paid holidays, and vacation days. What about "Don`t have any gas to make it to work days"
I try not to limit my madness to March.
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.