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I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.