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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.
Save water- shower with me!
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!