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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
The phrase "Go see your Ford dealer" means something completely different in Canada than the United States.
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
A court date is still technically a date, right?
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet