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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.