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I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
I`m doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
Office Tip: In a pinch a booger and a small piece of copy paper is as good as a post it note.
I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.