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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
Time to be an adult and give up my bath time rubber ducky. I´m upgrading to the tugboat!
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(