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Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.