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Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me
Can I get likes for no reason?
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2