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Black Friday is Americas version of running with the bulls.
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon Balls.
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is `What is never the answer?`
I hate when people passive-aggressively post vague, indirect statuses. You know who you are...
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.