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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?