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A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
I`ll be right with you, I`m busy being inappropriate on the internet.
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
Messing up a guy’s hair = cute. Messing up a girl’s hair = putting your life on the line.
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?