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Maybe teenagers just aren`t strong enough yet to remove the sticker from their hat
So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
Facebook where I am surrounded with people but still no one can see me biting my toe nails or picking my nose :-D