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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
You look like you only got about 5 of your 8 hours of beauty sleep last night...
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
The only reason I keep people`s phone numbers in my phone is to avoid their calls..
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?