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Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do.
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.