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The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal
Video games are cool because they let you experience fantastical power-fantasies. for example in The SIMS you have a job and a house.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
What if the lightbulb had never been invented? How would we know when someone has a really good idea?
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?