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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
How come the energizer bunny beats a drum instead of doing something like working the cashier register at Wal-Mart?
The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
Wonders why we can`t just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?