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First fart at my new job.
Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
I`ve been building my own particle accelerator. Plan to create a boson particle. Explore the mysteries.....you know what? This is a lot of work. Think I`m just going to have a beer and play Call of Duty.
Last year in college football Alabama beat Arkansas, Tennessee, and Auburn. Those teams coaches all resigned. Any chance of Alabama playing agsinst the White House this year?
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything