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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
Nothing improves creativity like a lack of supervision!
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
I`ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib ab!
My life is just one long improvisation.
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
Did you know , that if you use asterisk , you can do anything you want ? * gets on a t-rex and gallops away into the sunset *