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Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
I start to feel really anxious when my work piles up. I never know what to ignore first.
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks