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"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
Selfie... Because it`s important to realize that it`s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
The less you know, the more you think you do.