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I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
You never really know how many inches you`re gonna get or how long it`ll last. Snow, maybe.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
I`m not crazy, but I am a carrier.
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.