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I`ve ended up encountering much less porridge than I had expected I would as a child.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
As I was signing into my email account instead of yahoo.com I typed hayoo.com...nope, it wasn`t right but I got to thinking it would be quite appropriate, afterall, we`re trying to get someone`s attention, right?
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time