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If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"