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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.