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Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
Given the places I`ve had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.