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I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
I don`t have any "driving the speed limit" music.
Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
Things ain`t nobody got time for: That
I don`t like morning people ... Or mornings ... Or people.