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The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!!!
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
Got tasered at speed dating again.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
it`s friday o clock
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.