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Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect already.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
The old saying "I wouldn`t wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.