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Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
Back in my day it was called daydreaming…not ADHD.
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.