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The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can`t believe they haven`t paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.