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I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Why isn’t “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
My pants are 75% off.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I`m "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
Stop procrastinating. Join Hokey Pokey Anonymous today and turn that life around!
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?