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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
An awkward morning beats a boring night.
I wonder what "don`t touch" is in Braille.
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
Resisting the urge to write "Just shut the f*ck up" on someones status.
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.