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I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.