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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
How dare you incinerate that I don`t know big words.
Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.