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it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
Still no news on the royal baby. One will assume its being delivered by Royal Mail
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`