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real eyes realize real lies
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M