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A friend doesn`t question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.
My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to.
I`d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
I would of read and liked your status if it wasn`t like 3 pages long.
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!