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Im a leader not a follower... unless its a dark place then f*ck that your going first!
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
Grab the bull by the horns. The other end is too gross...
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.