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Cauliflower is just broccoli ghosts.
World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
I wouldn`t say I "missed" your call.
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
I hate when I`m admiring my good looks from a car`s window reflection and the people inside think I`m staring at them.