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The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
Deadliest Catch and Jersey Shore - two reality tv shows about catching crabs
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.