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Sometimes all you need is $100,000
Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
I`m terribly sorry but I have decided not to grow up and act my age after all. So there.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
What do you mean casual Friday does not mean drink wine and get drunk at work