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Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Theirye’re, problem solved.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
I’m not crazy just the voices are!